The Malta Jazz Festival

I was at the new, revamped Malta “Jazz” Festival organized by NnG promotions. The stage looked much bigger then usual but the crowd was smaller. On stage was a Maltese ten-piece act. Seven of the musicians were arranged in a semi-circle while the other three where in the middle of this human semi-circle. They were all dressed up in long flowing garments of various colours (think The Darkness).

They were playing a song reminiscent of an eighties power ballad. The whole thing was a big farce. One of the band members was a resident musician at BJs – a short, funny-looking guy who regularly performed Dire Strait covers at BJs as a pianist guitarist vocalist combo.

I was watching this band, feeling both horrified and amazed at how low the Malta Jazz Festival had stooped. I caught sight of Ivan Filletti in the crowd who was one of the organizers of this festival (in my dream he was anyway). Ivan turned his head and saw me looking at him. He gave me a big, white smile and came walking in my direction.

He came next to me and said: “Eeeeeehhh ara fejnu! Inti mhux dak li kien qed igerger fuq il-jazz festival? X’taħseb issa eh?! X’jidhirlek?” I then engaged him on a lengthy rant on how crap the Malta Jazz Festival had become. I also turned his attention to the dwindling crowd to which he replied “Ooooh imma dak għax inti wasalt tard! Taf kemm kien hawn nies qabel!?!”

the end

Dreamt on the night of 16.03.2006

The night before:
Food: Meat feast pizza
Drink: Water

My Brother's Radio Show

My brother got a job as a radio DJ. He was to broadcast his show from a control room at the top of a high tower in Edinburgh. I met up with my brother just before his first show. I was very excited about his new job unlike him, who was very nonchalant about it and appeared to be far less enthusiastic than I was about the whole thing. I was surprised by how calm he was considering it was the first time he was hosting a radio show.

Inevitably, I began playing the annoying role of the “bigger, wiser brother” by giving him lessons on how one should speak on the radio. I started bragging on how I knew all the rules of the game since I had spoken on radio a couple of times before (which is partly true - though I must set the record straight here and say that they only amounted to a couple of interviews with my previous band in which I only mumbled a total of two or three incomprehensible words). I asked my brother if he had prepared anything for the show to which he replied that I needn’t worry since he had everything under control.

We climbed up to the control room at the top of the tower. The first thing that struck me on entering the room were these enormous glass walls so that we were treated to a 360 degrees panoramic view of Edinburgh. And what a breath-taking view it was! Edinburgh was covered in snow. The control room was quite far from the city centre but one could still make out the famous castle surrounded by the white, slanting rooftops. Behind the city stood some mountains which added a touch of drama to the whole scene.

There was a huge table in the middle of the room on which there was a device that could play seven CDs simultaneously. The machine was actually seven standalone CD players attached to a central controller of some sort. I looked at the time and realized that my brother was already running late – his show had been scheduled to start a few minutes earlier. I started panicking and urging my brother to get started. He told me to take it easy as he calmly put on a record after muttering something into the microphone.

At some point during the show, he picked up all the equipment on the table and took it home with him so that he could broadcast the show from his room (“biex inkun relax”). I followed him. We arrived home in Mġarr, Malta. It was a typical summer's day in Malta bursting with sunlight. When we arrived home my brother went up on the roof and laid down the equipment on the floor in the sun. The radio equipment was still transmitting the live show. He then left the equipment buzzing on the floor and went down to the kitchen to raid the fridge and prepare himself a snack.

Meanwhile, as I was monitoring the equipment on the roof and listening to the show, I noticed that the song being played was nearing its end. My brother had to change the song but he was still stuffing his face in the kitchen. I shouted a warning to him to let him know that the song was about to finish and that he should leave the kitchen and come upstairs right away to prepare the next song. He told me to cool it down because he had everything under control.

the end

Dreamt on the night of 16.03.2006

The night before:
Food: Penne with fennel, peppers, chilli and tomatoes
Drink: Tea

The German Doctor

I had a new voice message on my mobile phone. It was the doctor from Berlin, he had finally come back to me after I had sent him the photos and scans of my body some days before. The voice message said “Please get back to me immediately. I have something very important to tell you. You are going to die very soon.”

I freaked out.

My mind was assaulted with a thousand different thoughts. What would I to do? No one can fight death! I was screwed!! Who would I break the news to first? All the studying, working, planning … all for nothing?? Is this it?!? Fuck fuck fuck!! I felt like I was losing my mind. My head felt heavy.

I tried to get a grip on myself. I decided to call up the German doctor for an explanation. I dialled his number and waited for what seemed like an eternity until the doctor picked up the phone. “Oh hello it’s you hehee!” he said in his annoying German accent. “Don’t vorry about the message ya?, I vas lying. You are not going to die. I lied so that I keep you on edge ya? so that you call me up immediately! hehehee” I breathed a sigh of relief and my head felt lighter.

He continued: “However I do have something very important to tell you. Come to Berlin at once so that ve can talk." He started giving me directions for his house. I took out a map of Berlin and tried to find his house on the map … which I did. It was in a square in the east side of the city. The square contained some gardens and in the middle of the gardens stood a monument very much similar to Nelson’s column in London.

I decided to fly to Berlin that very day to meet up with the doctor. This meant skipping the classes for Mathematical Methods III (given by my former fifth form Math teacher whose name I can’t remember). I bought a plane ticket to Berlin for 260 EUR.

I went to my hotel (to pack my bags?). It was a posh five-star hotel but once I stepped inside through the main entrance the words “lack of taste” immediately sprang into mind. The décor was a kitsch monstrosity from the 80s on the theme of mint, gold and pearl. The lobby was very spacious with no ceiling so that if you looked above you could see the hotel’s roof way up high. The lobby’s perimeter was in the shape of a moon. Right in the middle of this crescent was the lift. There were also four identical narrow ladders, two on each side of the lift, hanging from the very top floor of the hotel. Thus one had the option of either using the lift or the ladders.

The ladders were made up of two thick ropes joined together by wooden rungs. Each rung had four faces. On the front side of each rung there was the word “NODE” written in big black bold font while on the top side there were the words “THIS IS NOT A NODE” in the same font. I then realised that the ladders were actually an art exhibition with a pro-abortion message. In fact the whole hotel was run on a pro-abortionist policy (whatever that means). The rungs on the ladder alluded to the fact that something can or cannot be a node depending on your perspective (I still haven’t worked out what relevance that might have to the moral issues concerning the topic of abortion but in my dream I knew that the whole thing was a pro-abortion exhibition).

My room was on the second floor so I reckoned that I could use one of the ladders. I started to climb up one of the ladders but it proved to be much more difficult than I had expected. As I was climbing up past the first floor, the ladder snapped and I fell on the first floor. As I was getting up I saw my parents driving up to the first floor (there was a car passageway as well) in their Peugeot 309. They asked me if I was OK and I said that I was fine. My parents had done medical checkups as well. They had the results but I didn’t know what they were. They didn’t seem very cheerful and the air was heavy with melancholy.

the end

Dreamt on the night of 05.03.2006

The night before:
Food: Spring rolls, pork dumplings & vegetable noodles.
Drink: Shiraz

My Friend's Wedding

I was at Adrian and Elaine’s wedding. All the guests were in the street as the bride and groom were getting into the car. There was a lot of noise since most of the guests were laughing and talking aloud. I, like most of the other guests at the wedding, was pretty drunk. I was holding a “kopp tal-offerti” – a small red velvet sack hanging at the end of a wooden stick. This was the same one used by the local vicar to collect donations from the people attending mass at the church of Mġarr.

I was staggering around with this sack asking people to donate money. Some of them played along with my stupid game by donating a few cents. As I was going around the guests collecting their donations I was singing the church hymn that is usually sung at the end of mass at the church of Mġarr. I believe that the hymn is called “Infaħħru lil Marija” (Praise Be To Mary) and the lyrics go something like this:


"Infaħħru lil Marija,
Omm t'Alla u tal-bnedmin.
Ngħannulha l-isbaħ għanja,
Bil-ferħ ta' qlub safjin.

Marija omm ħanina
Minn qalbna nitolbuk.
Għallimna dejjem iżjed
Ta' uliedek inħobbuk."

I was going around the different groups of people, sometimes putting my arms around the shoulders of one of the guests in the groups, inviting them to sing along. Most of the ones who sang along with me were the ones who were as drunk as I was.

the end

Dreamt on the night of 03.03.2006

The night before:
Food: Rice with salmon, chilli & lemon.
Drink: Shiraz

Iraqi Soldiers

I was sent to Iraq to fight in the war. I found myself in an empty room wearing nothing but pjamas. The room didn’t have any furniture or decorations. It’s surfaces were made of light blue-grey steel. It looked very clean and clinical.

One of the walls had three round windows, like portholes of a ship (maybe I was on a ship?). I was ordered to go through one of the windows to fight the Iraqi soldiers on the other side. I climbed through the window and found myself at the end of a very long hall. The hall was so long that I couldn’t see the other end. The surfaces of this hall were made out of the same material as the previous room.

This hall was not empty - it contained a row of bunk beds, identical in shape and size, of the same light blue-grey colour as the walls of the hall. These bunk beds were arranged in a queue that dotted through the center of the hall. This straight line of bunk beds went all the way down the other side of the hall as far as my eyes could see. There were no mattresses on these empty bunk beds. Again, everything looked extremely clean. It felt as if I was in some sort of laboratory.

I was not alone in this hall. Behind every two or three beds was an Iraqi soldier. The Iraqi soldiers were all wearing pjamas like me and they all had a black beard. They looked very thin and scruffy. No one had any guns or armour. My only weapon was a screwdriver. I walked down the hall, killing any soldier that came in my way. I pierced their heads with my screwdriver, most of the time stabbing them at the side of their heads. They all fell to the floor, one by one.

At some point I stopped. I started feeling afraid and ashamed. I retreated to the portholes and climbed back into the first room.

the end

Dreamt on the night of 01.03.2006

The night before:
Food: Spring rolls and rice with sundried tomatoes and garlic sausages.
Drink: Water

Deep Throat In Busy Street

:)

the end

Dreamt on the night of 23.02.2006

The night before:
Food: Beefburgers & chips.
Drink: Water

The Lion, The Gazelle And The Managing Director

I was working at my desk. Bob came next to me and whispered to me my new password. I asked him why he was speaking in a low voice and he told me that he didn’t want Jeremy to hear my password. Then he unfolded a piece of paper. On the paper were written two different addresses. One was an address of some remote place in England while the other one was of a place in Charlotte Street, New York. Bob told me that I had to go to one of the two destinations as part of my job and that he was to decide where to send me. My mind was screaming “NEW YORK, NEW YORK”. He chose England.

…

I found myself at my previous job. I was visiting one of my notorious ex-clients - a hot-tempered, loud managing director with the manners of a baboon. He owns a famous Maltese company that imports food stuffs. I was having a shower in the middle of his office. The closed shower cubicle had three opaque panels with wooden frames. My girlfriend was just outside the shower. She was holding the shampoo for me. The shampoo was actually cheap hand wash (blue). I was commenting to my girlfriend on how the hand wash could damage my scalp.

My friend Adrian was there. He was talking to the director and he was trying to buy a car from him. They were standing in the same office just outside my shower cubicle. In the background I could listen to Adrian talking to the director about what kind of car he wanted. Adrian was telling him that he wanted a car similar to the one he already owns, an Opel Astra. The director exclaimed with much drama, as he would, that Opel Astras aren’t good cars and that their gearboxes are shite. He then came up to my cubicle and asked me to confirm this. “What a cunt!” I said to myself.

…

I found myself on an outdoor film set. Rumours were running around amongst the crew that there was a homeless man on the set with no fingers on one hand who could train small animals like cats, birds and mice. I was wandering around aimlessly until I came to an open place in which there were a number of benches arranged after each other (just like in a church). Some extras were sitting on these benches. Behind the last bench was the homeless man. He looked old and dirty. He was wearing a long and ragged coat. Small birds were flying around him and other small animals like mice, badgers and snakes were going in and out of his pockets and sleeves.

At the side of this open area was footballer-turned-actor Vinnie Jones. He was sitting down on a chair and he had a grumpy look on his face. The homeless man approached Vinnie Jones and asked him if he wanted to play with some of his pets. Vinnie Jones accepted his offer. The homeless man raised his arms in front of him. Two kittens emerged from out of the homeless man’s collar and ran on his arms onto Vinnie Jones’ hands.

People gathered around, watching Vinnie Jones as he played with these two kittens. Suddenly, the kittens turned into lions. A gazelle emerged from nowhere in between Vinnie Jones’s legs. The lions pinned the gazelle down and held her there. The crowd was astonished by the scene – Vinnie Jones sitting down, a restless gazelle in front of him between his legs and a lion on each side holding the gazelle down. Vinnie Jones tried to get up but he couldn’t because of this trio of wild animals.

A third, bigger lion appeared in front of Vinnie Jones. This was the leader of the pack. The other two lions were holding the gazelle down so that the lion king could eat her. The lion king moved calmly towards the gazelle and stood in front of her. He then placed his mouth just in front of the gazelle’s mouth and started brushing his mouth against hers. The gazelle was terrified. She was doing to her best to try to escape but the other two lions were doing a very good job of holding her down. Then the lion king opened his mouth and enclosed the gazelle’s mouth within his. I was a bit puzzled as to why the lion was doing this but then it struck me that the lion was only prolonging the time before taking a bite of the gazelle’s head. The lion king was torturing the gazelle with mind games before devouring her. “What an evil, ruthless creature!” I thought.

I was waiting for the ugly moment at which the lion king would snap his mouth shut over the gazelle’s mouth, when the lion moved his head back. He then moved his head forward again and once again began brushing his mouth against the gazelle’s. I suddenly realized what was really happening. The lion was actually kissing the gazelle! He was physically attracted to the gazelle and was developing lustful feelings and, I daresay, love for the gazelle!! The lion moved back and started shaking his head in distress. The other two lions were still holding the gazelle down as their king stood in front of the gazelle, torn between his carnivorous instinctive desire to eat the gazelle and his newly-developed feelings of love and lust towards the same animal. Everyone was amazed at this spectacle. That is, everyone except for Vinnie Jones who couldn’t move in between the two lions and was getting seriously pissed off with the whole thing.

Then the unthinkable happened. The gazelle lunged forwards and kissed the lion several times. The gazelle too had developed feelings for the lion! As the gazelle kissed the lion I could hear music in the background – the kind of overboard strings piece you’d hear at the climax of a movie of some soppy love story. By now all eyes were transfixed on the two animals. Suddenly the gazelle freed itself from the other two lions’ clutches and went dashing off at lightening speed behind the benches and through a gate at the other side of the open space. The gate led to “another world”, a Narnia-esque landscape full of snowy mountains. As the gazelle's figure vanished into the distance I heard the powerful roar of the lion king, a roar full of love, sadness, lust and anger. The lion then ran through the gate after the gazelle into this “other world”. One could sense that this was only the beginning ...

the end

Dreamt on the night of 18.02.2006

The night before:
Food: Vegetable soup and baked rice.
Drink: Red wine.

My Girlfriend's Prisoners

We were moving by a low rubble wall at the edge of a field. I was using a kalashnikov gun to keep my prisoners under control. My prisoners were two old women all dressed in black. They wore black shawls over their heads. They were crawling on their knees in front of me while I was shouting orders at them, urging them to keep on moving forward. They were constantly crying and screaming. At regular intervals, the two prisoners stopped to lift their heads at the sky and wave their hands in the air, screaming words that I couldn’t understand. I just waved my gun at them, ordered them to shut up and kept on moving forward, doing my best to sound as mean and angry as possible. And angry I sure was - their shouting was doing my head in. I was growing very impatient with them.

At some point the women stopped and turned to look at something in the rubble wall. They fell quiet. Silence. My head was already feeling better. I walked up to see what they were looking at and saw two identical glass bowls in the rubble wall. There was an inscription on each of them which said: “IF I HEAR AS MUCH AS A WHIMPER FROM YOU I WILL SHRED YOU TO PIECES”. This threat was directed towards the women and they knew it. From then onwards they just walked in front of me without saying a word.

We finally arrived at my girlfriend’s house. The old women were my girlfriend’s prisoners really and I was just delivering them to my girlfriend because she had asked me to. As soon as they entered into the house they metamorphosed into a married, middle-aged couple. One of the women turned into a big man with short brown hair. He was wearing a black tuxedo and his hobby was target shooting. The other old woman turned into a different, younger woman with short, chestnut hair. She looked pudgy but she kept her back straight and I somehow got the impression that she was very fit. She was wearing a pair of blue jeans and an ugly-looking sweater, one of those “Christmas sweaters” with a myriad of colours. She was a professional footballer.

My relationship with this couple was still of the “captor-captives” kind but it was a much more relaxed affair now. I didn’t have the gun anymore. I welcomed them into my girlfriend’s house as they walked in through the front door. I handed them a red carnation each. The man wore the flower in the front pocket of his jacket. Likewise, the woman wore her flower on her sweater.

My girlfriend wasn’t in at the time. I decided to put the prisoners in her room. This was a very small room containing a bed (deep blue sheets), a chair, a table and some shelves (white). There was very little space to move around. On the table there was a TV set which was showing a football game. I apologized to them for the fact that there was only one single bed and assured them that another bed would be provided.

The man sat on the bed while the woman took the chair. I sat on the bed next to the man. We did some small talk and watched the game. After a while I heard my girlfriend in the living room. She had come back. I shouted out to her that the prisoners needed another bed. I heard her complaining from the living room but I couldn’t understand what she saying. I left the room and started walking towards the living room when I bumped into her. She was visibly angry. “Can you please give me a break!?! I just came in and I need to rest for a while!” she said in an irritated tone. I bit my tongue and thought “That’s gratitude for you”.

the end

Dreamt on the night of 08.02.2006

The night before:
Food: Cod with lemon & roast potatoes
Drink: Water

Doughnuts And Dreams

I bought a bag of doughnuts. They were small ring doughnuts just like the ones Greggs have. I walked up to my group of friends. As I opened the bag of doughnuts I could already feel Michael eyeing them. His mouth was watering. I kept myself at a safe distance from him.

I pulled Thomas by the sleeve and dragged him out of the group and started telling him about my dreams. “Bħal meta taqbad ir-ritratti kollha li għandek minn meta kont is-sekondarja sa meta kont is-“sixth form” … imbaghad magħhom tixħet xeba ritratti oħra li m'għandhomx x’jaqsmu ta’ nies li m'għandekx ideja min huma … imbagħad tħallathom flimkien waħda sew u tuzhom biex tipprova toħrog b’xi forma ta’ storja grotteska … xi kultant hekk qisu il-ħolm tiegħi.”

Michael started to edge closer to me, his greedy eyes set firmly on my bag of doughnuts.

“Eżatt! EŻATT!!!” said Thomas.

the end

Dreamt on the night of 31.01.2006

The night before:
Food: Penne with smoked salmon, fresh cream & chilli.
Drink: Gin & tonic.

The Nazi Boat

We were prisoners. The Nazi soldiers were keeping us in line on a concrete pier. We were queuing up to board on an old wooden boat. The boat was big and rundown, the paint was peeling off. It had a big room in the middle. I finally came to the end of the queue. Hitler was there. We came face to face. He ordered me to go on the boat through a narrow gangway. I followed his orders.

I boarded on the boat and went inside the room. Inside this room there was another queue of prisoners. In the middle of the room there was a pile of dead bodies all dressed in white and blue striped pyjamas. Behind this pile there was a table and sitting at this table was an SS soldier with a machine gun. His machine gun was resting on the table and he seemed to be the one in charge. I was scared shitless and a sickening feeling rose to my stomach.

I noticed that the SS soldier was in fact LL Cool J.

The prisoners were taken into groups and ordered to change into the white and blue pyjamas. Then they had to stand in front of the pile of dead bodies until they were shot by LL Cool J. Their dead bodies then fell onto the pile thus sparing the soldiers from having to drag the dead bodies onto the pile once they were shot. Efficient bastards I thought.

My time was up. I began feeling drowsy with fear. I changed into these dirty pyjamas and went in front of the pile of dead bodies. I was the first in my group so I waited for the rest of the batch of prisoners to come next to me. As I was waiting something amazing happened. A friend of mine emerged from the queue of prisoners behind me with a machine gun. It was Amante (this is his real name in real life). He pointed the machine gun towards LL Cool J and ordered him to give up.

There was a long moment of suspense. My life depended on the outcome of this confrontation between the LL Cool J and Amante. LL Cool J was trying to decide whether to grab the gun and have a go at shooting Amante or give up and let us all go. It seemed like the longest wait in my life.

Finally LL Cool J sat back in his chair and said "We cool." The prisoners started cheering and all was good. I felt an immense sense of relief. Amante had saved the day.

the end

Dreamt on the night of 23.01.2006

The night before:
Food: Penne with cream and chorizo. Doughnuts. Nachos.
Drink: Tea

Fencing Lessons

Fencing! I suddenly realised that fencing was the one sport that I always wanted to practise. I became intrigued by this upper class sport, a close-combat duel between two gentlemen fighting for their honour, the sabres, the masks, the protective gear … for some reason fencing seemed liked THE sport I had to get into.

I was in Malta at the time and I had no idea where I had to go to get lessons in fencing. After some enquires and internet researching I managed to find out about this old lady who gave fencing lessons in her apartment in Valletta. I was told that she lived on her own and that she was once a professional fencing athlete back in her days.

So I went to Valletta in search of this old fencing mistress. Just before entering into the gates of the city I met two friends, Forky and Delli, two cousins. I told them about my newly-found passion for fencing and that I was looking for a fencing mistress whom I was told lived in Valletta. They seemed to be quite amused by my new hobby. They also assured me that they knew where this fencing coach lived. Forky told me that he would take me there only if I agreed to accompany them to see their grandmother who was in a square in Valletta.

I agreed to follow them to their grandmother. So we went in through the gates of Valletta and into the square where their grandmother was. She was sitting on a chair in the middle of the square and she looked very old. Without warning, Forky pulled down his trousers and defecated on the ground in front of his grandmother shouting “Look Nanna! Look!!” He was laughing his head off. Delli seemed to find it funny too. I just looked on in wonder at this sight, one half of me disgusted, the other mildly amused.

I decided that it was time for me to leave so I turned to Delli and asked him to tell me where the fencing mistress lived. He told me that she lived close to one of the large columns that surrounded Valletta. In my dream, Valletta was surrounded by enormous columns.

So I set off to find the old lady’s apartment. After some walking and enquiries with the locals I managed to find her apartment. It was found in an old tenement building at the edge of the city next to one of the huge columns. I knocked on the door and the old fencing mistress opened the door for me. She had long frizzy hair and her wrinkled face was all caked up in make-up.

She invited me in. Her apartment consisted of two rooms joined by a small corridor. It was very dark and bare and it was lit by candles. I walked into the second room. There were two pupils practising with sabres. Without any introductions, she handed me a sabre and told me to get in line with the other pupils and start practising. So I went next to other pupils and started waving the sabre about in the air, lunging at the wall.

the end

Dreamt on the night of 17.01.2006

The night before:
Food: Don't remember.
Drink: Don't remember.